I have the hardest time with failure. To me, failure is never an option. It is how I am wired. I never want to fail. I hate admitting that I am wrong. I hate admitting that I don't measure up. I hate everything that falls into the category of failure. I want to succeed.
When I fail or when I don't measure up or when I make a mistake or when I am wrong... I beat myself up. I tear myself up with condemning thoughts and words. I tell myself that I am worthless and undeserving. I meditate on the idea of being completely worthless. I lit it sit my heart and rot away all my joy. I bask in my short comings and drive myself crazy thinking about how I can be better.
I am always trying to improve myself. I am always trying to add on to my accomplishments. I am always trying and trying and trying, but in the end I always fail. Then I say to myself if I only try harder then maybe next time I will succeed. So I restart the cycle and try even harder, but end up failing even more.
This cycle tears me apart. It makes me feel so worthless. It makes me feel like dirt. It is a tool that Satan uses to rip me apart. When I fail I should rejoice. I should rejoice in the hope of my Savior. When I fail it should be a proclamation of God's Grace and it should shout the Glory of God. When I fail it should be a moment where I say, "Look at God! Look at what He has done! He has paid it all! His GRACE is ENOUGH to cover my sin!"
Instead I make it into a selfish moment. I turn into a moment of sulking and whining. I make it all about me and what I have done. I go to God as a defense lawyer and I bring my defense to his court. I give Him excuses and reasons. I tell Him that I didn't mean to fail, I didn't mean to mess up, I didn't mean to do that. I tell God that it will never happen again that I will be strong. I go to God to bring Him a case about my justification. I go to God not asking for His Grace, but telling Him that I will fix all my mistakes. I go to God in defense. A moment of failure is a moment of selfishness for me. A moment that should bring God Glory is a moment I use to draw attention on myself.
My failures should scream to all the world about God's Grace. When people hear about my failures, they should be hearing a story about God. A story about a broken man that God has graciously restored. They should not hear a story about a man that is trying to fix his brokenness, but a story about a man who God has redeemed. It should be a proclamation of God's awesome power and Grace. It should be a battle cry that shouts the name of the Lord to all the earth. When people hear my story they should only hear GRACE.
I surrender my pride. I surrender my stubbornness. I surrender my fake attitude. I surrender my insincerity. I surrender my brokenness. I surrender my success. I surrender my talent. I surrender my dreams. I surrender my life. I surrender my failures. God you can have my life. It is all yours and it was never mine to begin with. God you are the strength that gets me through everyday. You are the one that meets my every need. God please work through my sin, work through my pain, work through my success, and work through my failures. Shine in me in the darkest of times. Let all see my dirt and let all see your awesome GRACE. It is you that has saved my life. It is you that has redeemed me. I am so relieved to know that you did it perfect in my place and you paid it all in my place. Help me to experience your Gospel and Love everyday. I love you!
1 Corinthians 15:56-58 "The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing "your labor in the Lord." He IS doing His work in your life--using your obedience and disobedience to mold you more and more into His image.
"Failure" is a powerful word. I realize that even when it is not pronounced on me directly or indirectly by others, it is often self-proclaimed from my flesh. The part of me that still thinks I am trying to earn favor with God rather than rest in the favor that Jesus has already fully and completely given me.
When we do this, we think there is more righteousness (i.e. our own) that can be added to Jesus' righteousness. We don't say that out loud--because our redeemed minds would quickly catch it as "heretical" and contrary to the Scriptures, but we often believe it in the quiet, silent places of our hearts. I'm learning that it helps me to just say it out loud or at least plainly in my thoughts so that I can repent of it and rest instead in the righteousness of Christ instead.
For the Christian, "failure" feels like a four letter word. It is a warning light on our heart's dash board that should remind us that we are on a works-pathway of righteousness, rather than resting in the grace of the foreign righteousness of another--the Son of God.
Thanks for remind me of this today in a fresh way.