Hooked on Me

We all have an addiction. Some addictions can be seen by the naked eye and some are hidden secretly away. Some people know they are addicted and some people do not. This is the scary part. There are people that have no idea that they are hooked. Now I am not just talking about drugs, porn, and alcohol; I am talking about the secret addictions. The ones that no one knows about and the ones that we may not even know ourselves. These addictions are even harder to fight because they are not outside ourselves, but they are ourselves.

A lot of the outside addictions result from the inside addictions. The outside addictions can even be a cover up of our deep inner addictions. We hide behind the outside addictions when the real problem is inside. The catch is that we do not even realize that we are hiding. We think that we are being so open and honest with these outside addictions like alcohol, porn, drugs, etc... that we are really blinded by them. We only see it because others have seen it and have brought it to light. To me the outside addictions are not as serious as the inside addictions. These inside addictions are interwoven with who we are and the only way to be freed of them is to die to ourselves.

The inside addictions are what we base our decisions off of and how we make choices. The inside is what results on the outside, but in so many ways we use the outside to hide, because we can just say, "I am addicted to this substance or this thing etc." Now this is a very bold statement and it takes a lot of guts to say it. I know personally that it has taken me a long time for me to come clean about my own outside addictions with friends and family. It is really hard to make that statement, because it is honest. Also it makes you vulnerable and gives people an inside look to your sin and corruption. I think that everyone that struggles with an outside addiction should at some point come clean about it with an accountability partner or an older friend that can help you through it. Although this is an honest statement, I believe that it is not completely true, but it is what we believe is true at the time. What we really should say is, "I am addicted to myself and as a result I do this and this..."

Self addiction is something that I have just become aware of. I have been blown away by how sneaky and secretive it has been and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought it to light. What I have realized is that the reasons why I was addicted on the outside was due to the fact that I was putting myself first. I was saying that what I need to give me comfort and self worth were these outside addictions. I valued my own comfort and self well being over God. I put myself first and God second and as a result I have become addicted to meeting my own needs through my own selfishness. Every addiction derives from this main point that we believe we know what is best for ourselves and therefore do what we think will make us happy. Unfortunately we have no idea what is best and as a result of our own corruption we develop more and more addictions. Adam and Eve ate of the fruit, because they thought that this fruit would better their well being. They were wrong and so were we.

The crazy thing is that we use the results of our inside addictions as cover ups. We try so hard to beat them and destroy them and we trust God with them, but we don't trust God with ourselves. We know that porn, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, caffeine, eating, not-eating, candy, video games, money, self righteousness and etc... are all wrong in excess, but what we don't realize is that these things are a result of us choosing them based on the fact that we believe that these things will bring us satisfaction. We make these choices because we are selfish and we want to meet our needs the way we think is right, but we are so wrong.

For a long time I have been fighting my outside addiction and God has been teaching me so much through it and finally has pointed out through my outside addiction that I have an inside addiction to myself. I value myself more than God. Even in my own spiritual walk I have made choices based off of my well being and not based off bringing Glory to God. Half the time I go to church to just feel good about myself. I go on retreats for myself. I am involved in ministry for myself. Really I should be doing all of these things not with the intention of bettering myself, but with the intention of bringing Glory to God and as a result of this I will find that all my insecurities and needs are met through Christ. What I am trying to say is that I make selfish choices even in my own spiritual walk. I only do what makes me feel good in my walk. I feel good when I go to church. I feel good when I worship. I would not do these things if they did not feel good and this is what God has convicted me with. For instance there is a Father and a Son. Whenever the Father comes home from work his Son runs up and gives him a big hug then the Father gives his Son a candy. Every day the Father gave his Son a candy after the big hug, but one day the Father did not give his Son a candy after the hug when he got home. The next day when the Father came home his Son was no where to be seen. The Son was in the living room watching television and he clearly knew that his Father was home, but he did not run up and give him a big hug, because he thought his Father did not have any candy. Right there is the story of my relationship with God. When I stop feeling good (candy) I stop. The candy is what I am after. I am after the feel good moment. This breaks my heart, because I am not seeking God, because I love Him and want to bring Glory and Honor to Him, but I am seeking God for myself. If God has no candy for me then God is not getting a hug. This reveals my inner addiction to myself. I can only imagine how much this breaks God's heart, but it is true and you know what, God has His hands wide open and He is waiting for the big hug. I know that God will continue to be faithful to me even when I am not. It takes time to work through an addiction and God is working through this addiction with me and even when I do not give Him a hug he continues to love me by hugging me no matter how messy I am.

So there is my problem... I am hooked on me. Due to valuing my well being over pursuing my purpose of bringing Glory to God I have developed deep wounds in my very soul. These wounds are messy and have been infected, because they were not treated properly. Now I need to reopen them and bring them to the great physician. I need to let Him tend to them and clean them out so that I may no longer be infected, but clean. When I surrender myself to God's will and His plan I die to my sinful flesh that wants to meet my selfish desires. I die to my flesh like Christ died on the cross and I have been given new life like Christ who rose from the grave. In Christ I can be free of my inside addictions and outside addictions. I can be free of my flesh! I can be free of myself that ensnares me in death! Amen to life in Christ! Amen to freedom in the Lord! My hope is in Holy One of Israel who brought me out of my slavery and has brought me into His Promise Land. To Him Be the Glory and Honor forever and ever! AMEN.