I have a calling on my life. I hear it loud and clear, but I am completely terrified by it. God has placed this calling on my life and I am scared out of my mind. I am worried about what will happen? What will become of me? How will I be able to survive? Honestly, I am scared and I do not have what it takes to accept this calling.
God has called me to give it all up. He has called me to surrender everything. He has called me to leave everything behind and follow Him. He has called me to give up my reputation, my family, my friends, my comforts, my desires, my dreams and to lay them all down and follow. When I hear this calling I am reminded of Philippians 1:21 "To live is Christ and to die is gain." God has called me to die to myself and to live for Christ.
This sounds awesome and exciting and renewing, but the truth is that I am very hesitant to accept this call on my life. I am hesitant, because I am afraid of dying to this worldly life that seems to have so much to offer. I want to have a family. I want to get married. I want to finish college. I want to have a house. I want to have a truck and I want to live the way that I think is best. I am not ready to throw all of these dreams away and follow God. It is hard to be so honest with myself, but I have to. I have to face the truth. I just am not ready. I feel like I can relate a lot to the story that is in Matthew 19 and here is an excerpt from the chapter:
A man came to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to have eternal life?"
Jesus said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? Only God is good. If you want to have eternal life, you must obey his commandments."
"Which ones?" the man asked.
Jesus answered, "Do not murder. Be faithful in marriage. Do not steal. Do not tell lies about others. Respect your father and mother. And love others as much as you love yourself." The young man said, "I have obeyed all of these. What else must I do?"
Jesus replied, "If you want to be perfect, go sell everything you own! Give the money to the poor, and you will have riches in heaven. Then come and be my follower." When the young man heard this, he was sad, because he was very rich.
Jesus said to his disciple, "It's terribly hard for rich people to get into the kingdom of heaven! In fact, it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to get into God's kingdom."
When the disciples heard this, they were greatly surprised and asked, "How can anyone ever be saved?"
Jesus looked straight at them and said, "There are some things that people cannot do, but God can do anything."
Peter replied, "Remember, we have left everything to be your followers! What will we get?"
Jesus answered: Yes, all of you have become my followers. And so in the future world, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, I promise that you will sit on twelve thrones to judge the twelve tribes of Israel. All who have given up home or brothers and sisters or father and mother or children or land for me will be given a hundred times as much. They will also have eternal life. But many who are now first will be last, and many who are last will be first.
I relate to this rich young man. I feel like God is saying, "Michael to have eternal life and to be with me you have to give it all away and follow me!" Then I react the same way that the rich man reacts and become sad, because I know the truth about my corrupt heart. I know that I am rich in many things and I know that it is going to be very hard for me to sell everything I own and follow God. The great thing is that the passage continues and the disciples ask, "How can anyone be saved?" Then Jesus replies and says, "There are some things that people cannot do, but God can do anything!" This is what I am clinging to! I am clinging to the fact that I cannot do this! I cannot give it all up and follow God! This calling on my life is impossible for me to accomplish, but my hope is in Christ! My hope is that God will do the impossible! My hope is that God will be strong in my struggle! My hope is that in my weakness, God will be glorified! I am excited to engage this call and to take it on! I am excited, because I know that it is going to be all God! At the same time I am scared out of my mind, but I know the truth. The truth is that God can do anything! So I accept this challenge despite me inabilities! I accept this challenge despite my fear!
I know that God is going to take care of me. I know that He is going to provide for me. It even says that God will give me a hundred times what I have lost AND eternal life. I know that He will give me what I need, but the problem is that I don't believe it. Honestly, I do not truly believe that God can do this. It is hard for me to say that, because it shows me how much I am faking and pretending with God. It shows me that I am not being authentic in relationship with God. It shows me that I am not truly accepting of the blood that was spilled out for me. Convicted and accused of self-righteousness, I embrace this accusation and today I make a choice to bring it to God as real and true as possible. God this is my heart. This is the ugly truth and I am need of you! Here are the charges against me: I am holding on to this world, I value material and worldly things more than You, I believe that I can do it on my own, I am self-righteous, I am prideful, I am arrogant, I am stubborn, I am holding on to my worldly life and I am a sinner! God I hear the case against my life, the case that binds me to death, but I pray that you will change my heart. Give me a heart that will embrace Your Grace! I need it more than anything and I realize it more than ever! You have convicted me and have revealed to me the darkness in my heart. I give it up God! You can have it all! I am Yours and no one else! I am willing to lose this worldly life to find eternal life with you! I can see now that this transaction is completely worth it! Why do I hold on to this life when it is so messed up? Why do I depend on myself when I am completely useless? I am hopeless in and of myself! God you are hope! You can do anything and I believe You can even change me!
God please help me to believe this. Help me to understand that you are in control of all things! Help me to follow you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. God I do not want to be like the rich young man, but I want to be like your disciples who gave everything up to follow You. God help me to accept your calling and engage it with all my heart. God this calling is something that I can not do or accomplish, but requires your complete and amazing Grace for it to be done. It requires the acceptance of the fact that only by your Grace can this be done. I am excited to see what You are going to do. I am excited to see how you are going to change me. I can not wait! Lastly, I pray that you will bring me to my knees in complete surrender and in complete acceptance of Your Grace. I pray that Matthew 10:39 will become real to me in a whole new way, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." AMEN
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Truth
Facing reality is hard. It is hard to look into the eyes of what is true, because the truth is revealing. The truth shines light in a dark room. It reveals everything. Sometimes I feel like God shines a light on my life and every time He does I close my eyes. I close my eyes, because I do not want to see my life. I do not want to look in the mirror and face the reality of my corrupt heart. I do not want to see the ugly filth that is destroying me! I do not want to come to grips with my reality!
Honestly, I want to hide from the truth. I want to hide from reality. I want to be as far away from what makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I want to close my eyes and forget about everything and just fall to sleep pretending like everything is okay, but this is not how God works.
The truth hurts. The truth breaks me. The truth brings me to my knees. The truth reveals my filthy rags. The truth is love. The truth is healing. The truth is redemption. The truth is what I need, because God is truth. He is the light that shines and reveals all of my dark and evil secrets. He is the penetrating truth that pierces my heart and convicts me of my sin. He is the voice that guides me into His loving embrace. He is the savior that took on death for my salvation. He has revealed to me what is wrong and has given me a choice. A choice between turning on the light switch and walking in repentance or a choice to hide in the darkness and live in the shadow of my sin.
The problem is that so many times I choose to hide in the darkness and live in the shadow. I make that choice, because it is comfortable. It puts me in control over my life and it keeps me at the driver seat. The problem is I can not see where I am going. I have no idea what I am doing. I walk in darkness and I have no idea where I am. I am lost and confused, but I still choose to be in the shadow. I make that choice, because I am afraid. I am afraid of letting God invade my life. I am afraid of what He will find and what He will reveal. I am afraid of what will happen and what will become of me.
All of these reasons are selfish and self-seeking. All of these reasons revolve around me and my comforts and my needs. All of these reasons describe a corrupt heart. A corrupt heart that, "loves personal pleasure more than it loves the Lord." - Paul Tripp (author of whiter than snow)
Plain in simple, I love personal pleasure more than I love God.
On the other hand the times when I choose to let God turn on the light of penetrating truth are the times that I feel God the most. They are times of pain and hurt, but at the same moment they are times of beautiful and sweet mercy. I stand naked and vulnerable before God and I let Him in on all of my secrets. God does not reject me and He does not push me away, but He embraces me with arms of protection. My vulnerability and weakness are covered by His Grace. No one can touch me, but Him. No one can destroy me, but the Creator. No one knows me like my Lover and no heals me like my God.
God has revealed to me my filth. He has penetrated my heart with revealing truth. I am convicted and I embrace all of the accusations of my corruption, but I take shelter in God's Grace. Stones have been engraved with all of my sins and they have been thrown in my direction. Every stone deserves to hit me. Every stone deserves to break me, but instead Christ in perfect love spreads out His body, completely vulnerable, naked, broken, shattered, and embraces the impact of every single stone. I stand behind His bent and bruised body completely forgiven and completely renewed. The stones have been thrown and my debts have been paid. Christ rose again and just like Christ has risen so will I. My life is being restored and will be completed when I pass away. When my work is done God will bring me home. I will be completely transformed and redeemed. God has begun a work in me and will complete it. I have been redeemed. I can live knowing that it is finished.
Times and moments like these when I let God turn on the light are the best times of my life. I am filled with so much joy and excitement, because I know and dwell in the Grace of God. I turn from this filth. I turn from these evil secrets and I take a step towards the light and the closer I get the more alive I feel. I am being resurrected and I can not wait to be completed. My corruption and sin is paid for and I am satisfied now in dwelling in God's Grace. It is so amazing to know that the true reality of life is that all is broken and that all has fallen short except for Jesus Christ who perfectly lived and brokenly died a sinners death that should of been me, but instead was Him. Amen!
Honestly, I want to hide from the truth. I want to hide from reality. I want to be as far away from what makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I want to close my eyes and forget about everything and just fall to sleep pretending like everything is okay, but this is not how God works.
The truth hurts. The truth breaks me. The truth brings me to my knees. The truth reveals my filthy rags. The truth is love. The truth is healing. The truth is redemption. The truth is what I need, because God is truth. He is the light that shines and reveals all of my dark and evil secrets. He is the penetrating truth that pierces my heart and convicts me of my sin. He is the voice that guides me into His loving embrace. He is the savior that took on death for my salvation. He has revealed to me what is wrong and has given me a choice. A choice between turning on the light switch and walking in repentance or a choice to hide in the darkness and live in the shadow of my sin.
The problem is that so many times I choose to hide in the darkness and live in the shadow. I make that choice, because it is comfortable. It puts me in control over my life and it keeps me at the driver seat. The problem is I can not see where I am going. I have no idea what I am doing. I walk in darkness and I have no idea where I am. I am lost and confused, but I still choose to be in the shadow. I make that choice, because I am afraid. I am afraid of letting God invade my life. I am afraid of what He will find and what He will reveal. I am afraid of what will happen and what will become of me.
All of these reasons are selfish and self-seeking. All of these reasons revolve around me and my comforts and my needs. All of these reasons describe a corrupt heart. A corrupt heart that, "loves personal pleasure more than it loves the Lord." - Paul Tripp (author of whiter than snow)
Plain in simple, I love personal pleasure more than I love God.
On the other hand the times when I choose to let God turn on the light of penetrating truth are the times that I feel God the most. They are times of pain and hurt, but at the same moment they are times of beautiful and sweet mercy. I stand naked and vulnerable before God and I let Him in on all of my secrets. God does not reject me and He does not push me away, but He embraces me with arms of protection. My vulnerability and weakness are covered by His Grace. No one can touch me, but Him. No one can destroy me, but the Creator. No one knows me like my Lover and no heals me like my God.
God has revealed to me my filth. He has penetrated my heart with revealing truth. I am convicted and I embrace all of the accusations of my corruption, but I take shelter in God's Grace. Stones have been engraved with all of my sins and they have been thrown in my direction. Every stone deserves to hit me. Every stone deserves to break me, but instead Christ in perfect love spreads out His body, completely vulnerable, naked, broken, shattered, and embraces the impact of every single stone. I stand behind His bent and bruised body completely forgiven and completely renewed. The stones have been thrown and my debts have been paid. Christ rose again and just like Christ has risen so will I. My life is being restored and will be completed when I pass away. When my work is done God will bring me home. I will be completely transformed and redeemed. God has begun a work in me and will complete it. I have been redeemed. I can live knowing that it is finished.
Times and moments like these when I let God turn on the light are the best times of my life. I am filled with so much joy and excitement, because I know and dwell in the Grace of God. I turn from this filth. I turn from these evil secrets and I take a step towards the light and the closer I get the more alive I feel. I am being resurrected and I can not wait to be completed. My corruption and sin is paid for and I am satisfied now in dwelling in God's Grace. It is so amazing to know that the true reality of life is that all is broken and that all has fallen short except for Jesus Christ who perfectly lived and brokenly died a sinners death that should of been me, but instead was Him. Amen!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Love
True Love. What is it? How can anyone honestly explain it? How can anyone possibly begin to describe it? It is more than a simple, "I love you", it is more than a kiss goodnight, it is more than marriage and it is more than family.
True Love is God. True Love is Jesus. True Love is the Holy Spirit. True Love is everything that entails God therefore True Love is incomprehensible, because no one can begin to comprehend God. What we know of God today is nothing compared to how we will know God in eternity.
True Love is sacrifice. It is the blood that has been selflessly surrendered to cleanse mankind. It is the outstretched arms, pierced hands, pierced feet and broken heart of a God who is faithful. A God that will never forget. A God that is all-knowing. A God that loves. A God that lives. A God that forgives. A God that pours out Grace. A God who is so in Love with me that He will do anything to have me. He will go to all the ends of the earth looking for me. He will search high and low and far and close until He finds me. I am His and I am claimed. No one can take me away, because my God is True Love. True Love that never fails. True Love that always endures. True Love that will always love.
True Love is a promise. A promise that will be held. A promise that one day my relationship with God will be restored. A promise that I will be with God forever. A promise that I will never be forgotten and abandon. It is a promise that has been kept since the days of Abraham. It is a promise that one day all will be restored. My life will be made new and my soul will be in the arms of God forever. The day when this bond is restored will be the day that my heart erupts with the overwhelming grace and love that God has poured out. I can not begin to even imagine the beauty of that day. The Glory of God will shine forever. His name will be shouted for all of eternity. Everything about me will scream God's awesome Love. He is everything and that day where every ounce of my body and soul is poured out to Christ is the day that God will invade my life for all of eternity. True love is a promise that one day all will be made new.
True Love is messy. It involves my guilty and sinful hands. It involves my broken and fallen spirit. It involves all of my mess and all of my shame. It is a sloppy embrace. It is a filthy engagement. Everything about me, even my good deeds is a sloppy rag, but Jesus takes this rag and claims it as his. He takes everything about my messy life and embraces its punishment. He takes all the wrath, all the anger and all the pain with a perfect life that died a sinners death. He paid it all. He paid everything! It is finished!
True Love is life. On the third day Jesus rose again. He came back to life. He was made new! He is alive and well and is living within me. He is alive in me! Jesus' love is in me! Jesus is alive! I am alive! I am blameless and spotless in the sight of God! I have no more shame and no more reason to run away! I am new and restored! My spirit is alive! My spirit is alive! God gave His son so I can live! So I can be with Him! So that I can live in His Grace! So that I can be apart of His plan! So that I can just let everything go and let everything disappear and let every worry vanquish and let everything become nothing and GOD become everything! True Love is the Life that God has brought inside of me!
True Love is... is... is!!! God! Everything I learn about Him and everything I feel about Him and everything I have seen by Him is True Love! What I am is the work of True Love! I am the creation of True Love! I am a broken man, but a forgiven lover. I am so loved that these words that I write down frustrate me, because they can not capture the love of God. These words can not begin to describe God's True Love! It is so so so much more than I can even begin to describe! It is everything to me. God is everything. God is absolutely everything. Only God matters, only Him and no one else. Only in God can anyone be satisfied. Only in God can anyone live. Only in God can anyone experience True Love. In God I find strength, love, patience, compassion, conviction, passion, truth, and so much more. He is eternal and it will take me all of eternity to understand Him. I look forward to the day I can be with God forever. I look forward to the True Love I will experience in Him. I am constantly amazed by how much He loves me.
God is True Love...
True Love is God. True Love is Jesus. True Love is the Holy Spirit. True Love is everything that entails God therefore True Love is incomprehensible, because no one can begin to comprehend God. What we know of God today is nothing compared to how we will know God in eternity.
True Love is sacrifice. It is the blood that has been selflessly surrendered to cleanse mankind. It is the outstretched arms, pierced hands, pierced feet and broken heart of a God who is faithful. A God that will never forget. A God that is all-knowing. A God that loves. A God that lives. A God that forgives. A God that pours out Grace. A God who is so in Love with me that He will do anything to have me. He will go to all the ends of the earth looking for me. He will search high and low and far and close until He finds me. I am His and I am claimed. No one can take me away, because my God is True Love. True Love that never fails. True Love that always endures. True Love that will always love.
True Love is a promise. A promise that will be held. A promise that one day my relationship with God will be restored. A promise that I will be with God forever. A promise that I will never be forgotten and abandon. It is a promise that has been kept since the days of Abraham. It is a promise that one day all will be restored. My life will be made new and my soul will be in the arms of God forever. The day when this bond is restored will be the day that my heart erupts with the overwhelming grace and love that God has poured out. I can not begin to even imagine the beauty of that day. The Glory of God will shine forever. His name will be shouted for all of eternity. Everything about me will scream God's awesome Love. He is everything and that day where every ounce of my body and soul is poured out to Christ is the day that God will invade my life for all of eternity. True love is a promise that one day all will be made new.
True Love is messy. It involves my guilty and sinful hands. It involves my broken and fallen spirit. It involves all of my mess and all of my shame. It is a sloppy embrace. It is a filthy engagement. Everything about me, even my good deeds is a sloppy rag, but Jesus takes this rag and claims it as his. He takes everything about my messy life and embraces its punishment. He takes all the wrath, all the anger and all the pain with a perfect life that died a sinners death. He paid it all. He paid everything! It is finished!
True Love is life. On the third day Jesus rose again. He came back to life. He was made new! He is alive and well and is living within me. He is alive in me! Jesus' love is in me! Jesus is alive! I am alive! I am blameless and spotless in the sight of God! I have no more shame and no more reason to run away! I am new and restored! My spirit is alive! My spirit is alive! God gave His son so I can live! So I can be with Him! So that I can live in His Grace! So that I can be apart of His plan! So that I can just let everything go and let everything disappear and let every worry vanquish and let everything become nothing and GOD become everything! True Love is the Life that God has brought inside of me!
True Love is... is... is!!! God! Everything I learn about Him and everything I feel about Him and everything I have seen by Him is True Love! What I am is the work of True Love! I am the creation of True Love! I am a broken man, but a forgiven lover. I am so loved that these words that I write down frustrate me, because they can not capture the love of God. These words can not begin to describe God's True Love! It is so so so much more than I can even begin to describe! It is everything to me. God is everything. God is absolutely everything. Only God matters, only Him and no one else. Only in God can anyone be satisfied. Only in God can anyone live. Only in God can anyone experience True Love. In God I find strength, love, patience, compassion, conviction, passion, truth, and so much more. He is eternal and it will take me all of eternity to understand Him. I look forward to the day I can be with God forever. I look forward to the True Love I will experience in Him. I am constantly amazed by how much He loves me.
God is True Love...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Moments...
So many times in my life I look back and I wonder, "How did I make it?" I think to myself and ponder all of the scenarios and circumstances and situations in my life where life seemed to be the hardest. I think about all of the times when I felt like I ran into a brick wall. The times when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. The times where I felt like I could not make it. These are the moments in my life where I change.
These moments are pivotal and life altering. These moments are the moments that change me. They define me. The reason why is, because in these moments I become nothing and in these moments God becomes everything. In these moments I become defined by God's Grace and God's Mercy. In these moments God places His stamp on my life and seals the deal on my salvation. God points at these moments and shows me that I need Him. It is these moments that scream God's Glory. It is in these moments where I fulfill my purpose. It is in these moments that God is Glorified! It is in these moments where people look at me and see God's Love. It is in these moments that I feel so broken and shattered, but at the same time feel so loved and redeemed. I am so thankful for the moments where I hit rock bottom. I am thankful for the times of struggle, pain and heart break. I am thankful for the hardship and tears. I am thankful, because they transform me into a humble, loving follower of Christ.
God I need your love and mercy today. I need your compassion and Grace. I have fallen so short and you have carried me so far. I am a complete mess. I am a broken piece of art. In time you will make me whole, but I wait in agony. I ask, "Why can't you complete me now?" You answer, "I have started a good work in you and will complete it when my Son returns." Oh how I long for that day. The day where I will be made whole. The day when all my sin and dirt will be gone and I can spend eternity with you. Heal my wounds and piece my brokenness together. Remind me of your Son. Remind me of what He did for me everyday. Preach the Gospel to my heart daily. Help me to rest in your love. Help me to understand that there is nothing I can do to earn your Grace. Help me to understand that I can never be perfect. Help me to see your Truth. My life is a constant struggle and I pray that you will remind me that you have a plan for me. Remind me of you! Remind me of your Promises! Remind me of your covenant! I am tired of living a pointless life that does not shout your name in every aspect! Please let my life scream your Glorious name! Please let my life be a reflection of your unconditional Love and amazing Grace! I want you to be glorified! To you be the Glory and Honor forever and ever! Amen.
These moments are pivotal and life altering. These moments are the moments that change me. They define me. The reason why is, because in these moments I become nothing and in these moments God becomes everything. In these moments I become defined by God's Grace and God's Mercy. In these moments God places His stamp on my life and seals the deal on my salvation. God points at these moments and shows me that I need Him. It is these moments that scream God's Glory. It is in these moments where I fulfill my purpose. It is in these moments that God is Glorified! It is in these moments where people look at me and see God's Love. It is in these moments that I feel so broken and shattered, but at the same time feel so loved and redeemed. I am so thankful for the moments where I hit rock bottom. I am thankful for the times of struggle, pain and heart break. I am thankful for the hardship and tears. I am thankful, because they transform me into a humble, loving follower of Christ.
God I need your love and mercy today. I need your compassion and Grace. I have fallen so short and you have carried me so far. I am a complete mess. I am a broken piece of art. In time you will make me whole, but I wait in agony. I ask, "Why can't you complete me now?" You answer, "I have started a good work in you and will complete it when my Son returns." Oh how I long for that day. The day where I will be made whole. The day when all my sin and dirt will be gone and I can spend eternity with you. Heal my wounds and piece my brokenness together. Remind me of your Son. Remind me of what He did for me everyday. Preach the Gospel to my heart daily. Help me to rest in your love. Help me to understand that there is nothing I can do to earn your Grace. Help me to understand that I can never be perfect. Help me to see your Truth. My life is a constant struggle and I pray that you will remind me that you have a plan for me. Remind me of you! Remind me of your Promises! Remind me of your covenant! I am tired of living a pointless life that does not shout your name in every aspect! Please let my life scream your Glorious name! Please let my life be a reflection of your unconditional Love and amazing Grace! I want you to be glorified! To you be the Glory and Honor forever and ever! Amen.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Boyd Trotter
Boyd Trotter is awesome. If there is one word that I could use to describe him it would be AWESOME! He has such an incredible heart and spirit. He loves God so much and has a passion for his will. He is loyal through all circumstances. Pain, hurt, tears, laughter, good times and hard times I know Boyd Trotter will always be there.
Boyd is my room mate and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am so grateful for him. His life has been such an encouragement for me. Boyd has Lyme disease which weakens his immune system making him prone to other diseases. Lyme has been a major reason why he had to give up gymnastics which was huge for him. Also his treatment has been very rigorous at times. I remember when he was taking these pills that pretty much made him allergic to the sun. Every time he would go out into the sun he would burn. I remember his hands got so burned that his skin was falling off and it looked miserable. He hung in there and got through the treatment.
It has been awesome to see how much Boyd has grown in the Lord this year. He has been devoted to his quiet times and has been developing a passion for God's people. He has really encouraged me to start considering a Summer Project. This Summer Boyd will be going to South Africa and to see him take such a leap of faith is really encouraging.
He has been through so much from injuries to illness, but in every situation he has persevered and endured. He has character and a heart that is admirable. He is loyal and steadfast in his relationship with God. I am so proud of him and so blessed to be a part of his life. I love him so much and I have been so encouraged by his love. I know that Boyd will always have my back and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in his life.
God, thank you so much for Boyd. Thank you for his heart and love. Thank you for his encouragement and loyalty. He has been an incredible friend and an awesome brother. He has challenged me in my quiet times and he has challenged me in my walk with you. He loves you so much and he is a light to the world. I pray that you will help him raise support so he can shine your light in South Africa. I pray that you will heal him from Lyme which has made his life a constant struggle. I pray that you will always be with him and guide him. He is awesome and I love him so much. Thank you for his friendship and thank you for his life!
Boyd is my room mate and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am so grateful for him. His life has been such an encouragement for me. Boyd has Lyme disease which weakens his immune system making him prone to other diseases. Lyme has been a major reason why he had to give up gymnastics which was huge for him. Also his treatment has been very rigorous at times. I remember when he was taking these pills that pretty much made him allergic to the sun. Every time he would go out into the sun he would burn. I remember his hands got so burned that his skin was falling off and it looked miserable. He hung in there and got through the treatment.
It has been awesome to see how much Boyd has grown in the Lord this year. He has been devoted to his quiet times and has been developing a passion for God's people. He has really encouraged me to start considering a Summer Project. This Summer Boyd will be going to South Africa and to see him take such a leap of faith is really encouraging.
He has been through so much from injuries to illness, but in every situation he has persevered and endured. He has character and a heart that is admirable. He is loyal and steadfast in his relationship with God. I am so proud of him and so blessed to be a part of his life. I love him so much and I have been so encouraged by his love. I know that Boyd will always have my back and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in his life.
God, thank you so much for Boyd. Thank you for his heart and love. Thank you for his encouragement and loyalty. He has been an incredible friend and an awesome brother. He has challenged me in my quiet times and he has challenged me in my walk with you. He loves you so much and he is a light to the world. I pray that you will help him raise support so he can shine your light in South Africa. I pray that you will heal him from Lyme which has made his life a constant struggle. I pray that you will always be with him and guide him. He is awesome and I love him so much. Thank you for his friendship and thank you for his life!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Desert
So many times I feel like I am in a desert. I feel like there is no one there for me. I feel like there is no one that cares. I feel like there is no hope and if I am honest I feel like there is no point to life.
The desert is a place of absolute starvation and thirst. I am longing for something to fill me up. I am longing for something to suffice my desires. I am longing for satisfaction.
It is in the desert where I am most vulnerable. In the desert I am prone to wander and chase after mirages. Mirages that include pictures of things that I think will satisfy like girls or sex or family or friends or approval or comfort and so on... I chase after these mirages to find emptiness. I went out of my way and I strayed from the path to go to these mirages, but when I arrive I only find more desert. When I arrive I become more lost and confused. I thought that this mirage off in the distance would satisfy my needs, but it was only a mirage. I thought that it was real. I thought that it would satisfy, but instead it left me empty. It is a fake illusion of satisfaction.
I am tired of chasing after mirages. I am tired of chasing after lovers that won't satisfy. I am in a desert and I am lost. I am confused and I do not know what to do. I am thirsty and hungry and I am longing to be satisfied.
It is in the desert that my faith is tested. It is in the desert where my true colors shine. It is in the desert where my true heart is revealed. My selfishness and sinful desires are evident and clear when God brings me through the desert. In the desert God reveals my brokeness and evilness. He shows me my sinful desires and reveals to me the brokeness inside of me. In the desert I realize how selfish I am. I realize how desperately I need God. I realize that nothing else will satisfy. It is in the desert tha God brings me back to him.
I am thankful for the desert. I am thankful for my thirst and hunger. I am thankful for my brokeness, because it reminds me of how Great my God is! It reminds me of how much He loves me. It reminds me of how He is enough to satisfy. It reminds me of His awesome Grace and unconditional Love. The desert is the place where God puts me, to show me how much He cares.
When I go through the desert God is very patient. He watches me stumble and fall apart. He sees my heartache and pain. Then at the perfect time God pours out His Love and Grace. He pours it out on me and bathes me in compassion. He kisses my parched lips and embraces my broken soul. He mends the scars and wounds. He suffices every need and every desire. He completes me.
God thank you for the desert! Thank you for every moment that reminds me of how awesome and glorious you are. I am walking through the desert. I am discouraged and broken. I do not know where to go, but I know you will call me at the perfect time. You will be there for me when I need you most. I am in the desert wandering around waiting for your voice. There are many temptations out there that I see. I see them and they look so appealing. I know that these mirages or temptations will not satisfy. I know that they are illusions and are fake. God I pray that you will lead me and that you will bring me into your sweet embrace soon. I do not know how much longer I can last, but God I pray that you will find me soon. I know that you are watching and I know that you can hear me and I know that you are with me and I know that you have a perfect plan. I love you and I trust you!
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Isaiah 55:1
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost."
Matthew 5:6
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."
Psalm 63:1
"A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah. O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."
John 4:14
"but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
The desert is a place of absolute starvation and thirst. I am longing for something to fill me up. I am longing for something to suffice my desires. I am longing for satisfaction.
It is in the desert where I am most vulnerable. In the desert I am prone to wander and chase after mirages. Mirages that include pictures of things that I think will satisfy like girls or sex or family or friends or approval or comfort and so on... I chase after these mirages to find emptiness. I went out of my way and I strayed from the path to go to these mirages, but when I arrive I only find more desert. When I arrive I become more lost and confused. I thought that this mirage off in the distance would satisfy my needs, but it was only a mirage. I thought that it was real. I thought that it would satisfy, but instead it left me empty. It is a fake illusion of satisfaction.
I am tired of chasing after mirages. I am tired of chasing after lovers that won't satisfy. I am in a desert and I am lost. I am confused and I do not know what to do. I am thirsty and hungry and I am longing to be satisfied.
It is in the desert that my faith is tested. It is in the desert where my true colors shine. It is in the desert where my true heart is revealed. My selfishness and sinful desires are evident and clear when God brings me through the desert. In the desert God reveals my brokeness and evilness. He shows me my sinful desires and reveals to me the brokeness inside of me. In the desert I realize how selfish I am. I realize how desperately I need God. I realize that nothing else will satisfy. It is in the desert tha God brings me back to him.
I am thankful for the desert. I am thankful for my thirst and hunger. I am thankful for my brokeness, because it reminds me of how Great my God is! It reminds me of how much He loves me. It reminds me of how He is enough to satisfy. It reminds me of His awesome Grace and unconditional Love. The desert is the place where God puts me, to show me how much He cares.
When I go through the desert God is very patient. He watches me stumble and fall apart. He sees my heartache and pain. Then at the perfect time God pours out His Love and Grace. He pours it out on me and bathes me in compassion. He kisses my parched lips and embraces my broken soul. He mends the scars and wounds. He suffices every need and every desire. He completes me.
God thank you for the desert! Thank you for every moment that reminds me of how awesome and glorious you are. I am walking through the desert. I am discouraged and broken. I do not know where to go, but I know you will call me at the perfect time. You will be there for me when I need you most. I am in the desert wandering around waiting for your voice. There are many temptations out there that I see. I see them and they look so appealing. I know that these mirages or temptations will not satisfy. I know that they are illusions and are fake. God I pray that you will lead me and that you will bring me into your sweet embrace soon. I do not know how much longer I can last, but God I pray that you will find me soon. I know that you are watching and I know that you can hear me and I know that you are with me and I know that you have a perfect plan. I love you and I trust you!
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Isaiah 55:1
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost."
Matthew 5:6
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."
Psalm 63:1
"A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah. O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."
John 4:14
"but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Friday, January 14, 2011
Failure
I have the hardest time with failure. To me, failure is never an option. It is how I am wired. I never want to fail. I hate admitting that I am wrong. I hate admitting that I don't measure up. I hate everything that falls into the category of failure. I want to succeed.
When I fail or when I don't measure up or when I make a mistake or when I am wrong... I beat myself up. I tear myself up with condemning thoughts and words. I tell myself that I am worthless and undeserving. I meditate on the idea of being completely worthless. I lit it sit my heart and rot away all my joy. I bask in my short comings and drive myself crazy thinking about how I can be better.
I am always trying to improve myself. I am always trying to add on to my accomplishments. I am always trying and trying and trying, but in the end I always fail. Then I say to myself if I only try harder then maybe next time I will succeed. So I restart the cycle and try even harder, but end up failing even more.
This cycle tears me apart. It makes me feel so worthless. It makes me feel like dirt. It is a tool that Satan uses to rip me apart. When I fail I should rejoice. I should rejoice in the hope of my Savior. When I fail it should be a proclamation of God's Grace and it should shout the Glory of God. When I fail it should be a moment where I say, "Look at God! Look at what He has done! He has paid it all! His GRACE is ENOUGH to cover my sin!"
Instead I make it into a selfish moment. I turn into a moment of sulking and whining. I make it all about me and what I have done. I go to God as a defense lawyer and I bring my defense to his court. I give Him excuses and reasons. I tell Him that I didn't mean to fail, I didn't mean to mess up, I didn't mean to do that. I tell God that it will never happen again that I will be strong. I go to God to bring Him a case about my justification. I go to God not asking for His Grace, but telling Him that I will fix all my mistakes. I go to God in defense. A moment of failure is a moment of selfishness for me. A moment that should bring God Glory is a moment I use to draw attention on myself.
My failures should scream to all the world about God's Grace. When people hear about my failures, they should be hearing a story about God. A story about a broken man that God has graciously restored. They should not hear a story about a man that is trying to fix his brokenness, but a story about a man who God has redeemed. It should be a proclamation of God's awesome power and Grace. It should be a battle cry that shouts the name of the Lord to all the earth. When people hear my story they should only hear GRACE.
I surrender my pride. I surrender my stubbornness. I surrender my fake attitude. I surrender my insincerity. I surrender my brokenness. I surrender my success. I surrender my talent. I surrender my dreams. I surrender my life. I surrender my failures. God you can have my life. It is all yours and it was never mine to begin with. God you are the strength that gets me through everyday. You are the one that meets my every need. God please work through my sin, work through my pain, work through my success, and work through my failures. Shine in me in the darkest of times. Let all see my dirt and let all see your awesome GRACE. It is you that has saved my life. It is you that has redeemed me. I am so relieved to know that you did it perfect in my place and you paid it all in my place. Help me to experience your Gospel and Love everyday. I love you!
When I fail or when I don't measure up or when I make a mistake or when I am wrong... I beat myself up. I tear myself up with condemning thoughts and words. I tell myself that I am worthless and undeserving. I meditate on the idea of being completely worthless. I lit it sit my heart and rot away all my joy. I bask in my short comings and drive myself crazy thinking about how I can be better.
I am always trying to improve myself. I am always trying to add on to my accomplishments. I am always trying and trying and trying, but in the end I always fail. Then I say to myself if I only try harder then maybe next time I will succeed. So I restart the cycle and try even harder, but end up failing even more.
This cycle tears me apart. It makes me feel so worthless. It makes me feel like dirt. It is a tool that Satan uses to rip me apart. When I fail I should rejoice. I should rejoice in the hope of my Savior. When I fail it should be a proclamation of God's Grace and it should shout the Glory of God. When I fail it should be a moment where I say, "Look at God! Look at what He has done! He has paid it all! His GRACE is ENOUGH to cover my sin!"
Instead I make it into a selfish moment. I turn into a moment of sulking and whining. I make it all about me and what I have done. I go to God as a defense lawyer and I bring my defense to his court. I give Him excuses and reasons. I tell Him that I didn't mean to fail, I didn't mean to mess up, I didn't mean to do that. I tell God that it will never happen again that I will be strong. I go to God to bring Him a case about my justification. I go to God not asking for His Grace, but telling Him that I will fix all my mistakes. I go to God in defense. A moment of failure is a moment of selfishness for me. A moment that should bring God Glory is a moment I use to draw attention on myself.
My failures should scream to all the world about God's Grace. When people hear about my failures, they should be hearing a story about God. A story about a broken man that God has graciously restored. They should not hear a story about a man that is trying to fix his brokenness, but a story about a man who God has redeemed. It should be a proclamation of God's awesome power and Grace. It should be a battle cry that shouts the name of the Lord to all the earth. When people hear my story they should only hear GRACE.
I surrender my pride. I surrender my stubbornness. I surrender my fake attitude. I surrender my insincerity. I surrender my brokenness. I surrender my success. I surrender my talent. I surrender my dreams. I surrender my life. I surrender my failures. God you can have my life. It is all yours and it was never mine to begin with. God you are the strength that gets me through everyday. You are the one that meets my every need. God please work through my sin, work through my pain, work through my success, and work through my failures. Shine in me in the darkest of times. Let all see my dirt and let all see your awesome GRACE. It is you that has saved my life. It is you that has redeemed me. I am so relieved to know that you did it perfect in my place and you paid it all in my place. Help me to experience your Gospel and Love everyday. I love you!
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